One Man’s Story: Dealing With DE
From the Internet
There’s a fascinating personal story described by a 23-year-old man who had delayed ejaculation on one of the Internet forums.
He’s put his story out there so that other men who have the same trouble can benefit from the research that he’s done. He also asks some important questions so that he can help those experiencing delayed ejaculation.
He starts off by saying that he’s 23 years old and he’s been dealing with delayed ejaculation since he became sexually active at the age of 15. Since then he’s had several sexual partners. He’s experienced everything from committed relationships to one night stands, and, as is so often the case for men in this position, he makes the point that he can ejaculate quickly with masturbation on his own, but not with vaginal intercourse.
The same is true with receiving oral sex – he has a slow climax or no ejaculation at all. When his partner masturbates him, he simply can’t reach orgasm and ejaculate.
He claims not to have any negative thoughts about sex, nor to have had a strong religious environment in his childhood, and he says he has no inhibitions caused by a repressive sexual environment during his adolescence.
He also pokes, I think, cynical fun at the idea that various fears (for example, fear of getting a woman pregnant, fear of women, fear of sex, and the like) or low self-esteem (he hasn’t got that problem) or medical issues (he’s been checked out) can cause delayed ejaculation.
And fair enough, he mentions the “same old information” which, I do admit, you do indeed see repeated over and over on the Internet, and he dismisses these causes as irrelevant to him.
So what’s going on here, then? This is a typical question you’d run up against if you were a sex counselor. The man seems to have no problems, hang-ups, or issues around sex (well, that’s what he says), but he simply can’t ejaculate during sex with a woman.
And in this man’s case, that’s particularly unfortunate, because he got married 10 months ago to an “amazing girl” who appears to be extremely sexually attractive and very sexually motivated. She wants sex! And for me, what that implies is – she wants normal sex. She wants him to ejaculate inside her.
She may be patient now, but….the clock is ticking. So he’s motivated to do something about the issue.
Yes, you can see that that not ejaculating might not work! So here’s one thing that is interesting to me: almost the first thing he says about his problem is that up till he got married he never told anyone about his delayed ejaculation, and that he’d been faking orgasms because he knew that something was wrong.
He had never been able to ejaculate with a partner in the room, even with solo masturbation, until his marriage. Now, I ask you, how well does that statement fit with his assertion that he’s got no hang-ups about sex? I’ll leave you to answer that question for yourself, but to me the answer is actually very clear.
I remind you he’s not talking about partnered sex, or his partner masturbating him — he’s talking about being unable to ejaculate while masturbating himself with his partner in the same room.
Then his story becomes a little bit confusing. Between getting married to his partner and some time later telling her about his delayed ejaculation, he says he made huge progress, which means that he was able to ejaculate twice with her in the room.
I mean, the guy’s been married for eight months: he has ejaculated twice with her in the room! And even then he says it took him a long time to get to orgasm. How did he do it? First time, he was masturbating during foreplay, and yes, it did take a long time, but he says it was well worth the experience for the outcome – the great feeling of sharing ejaculation with his loved one.
The second time this happened, he was also enjoying foreplay; in fact he was actually giving his wife oral sex was masturbating himself. So this is great progress. Twice in 8 months. Yes, it is progress, but not really great progress. But he feels confident enough to talk to his wife about it and says she was very understanding.
His assumption is that he was able to reach orgasm and ejaculate with her in the room because he was very comfortable with her, and because he was able to “mimic the process that he uses when he masturbates by himself”.
Now I have another point here. He’s already said that he doesn’t have any hang-ups around sex, but now he’s talking about the fact that men with delayed ejaculation (including him) can’t ejaculate when their partner’s present: if that isn’t a hang-up about sex, I really don’t know what it is.
However I respect the fact that the guy has made an effort here, and is now aware of the fact that masturbation to orgasm in the presence of his partner is a rewarding experience.
And in terms of his advice for other men, he’s basically saying that the way to deal with this problem, in this situation, is to become “selfish” and turn your attention “inwards” onto what you think about during solo masturbation; that could be either your real partner, in front of you naked, or the images and fantasies that you store and use when you masturbate.
And you know what? Well, one of the recommended treatment strategies for delayed ejaculation is to incorporate the man’s fantasy life into sexual activity with a partner, because by definition it’s actually very arousing to him — it is, of course, what he uses to achieve orgasm when he’s masturbating by himself.