You, Your Partner, and Delayed Ejaculation

Some other partner-related issues can significantly affect a man’s ability to ejaculate during intercourse.

Two of these are particularly important: 1) the issue of fertility and conception, and 2) the issue of anger and resentment.

If a couple want to conceive, or if there are significant levels of anger and resentment, a couple may have a real challenge finding a way in which the man can experience ejaculation during sexual intercourse while treatment proceeds effectively.

A woman who wants to have a child because she feels time ticking away may persuade a man to seek treatment for delayed ejaculation (also known as “retarded ejaculation”).

But the thing is, sometimes a man with delayed ejaculation seems to have an actual fear of conception. He’ll rarely admit this.

One clue is that he may have less difficulty ejaculating when the couple are using contraception such as condoms than when he is having unprotected sex. sometimes he can ejaculate only if birth control is in place.

Although it may seem remarkable, this simple difference can be a powerful sign of what’s going on: if a man is experiencing slow, delayed, late or inhibited ejaculation or climax only during unprotected sex, it’s a reasonable assumption that conception is one of the main factors in causing or his delayed ejaculation problem.

Then, you need to find a way in which the underlying issues responsible for the man’s doubt about fathering a child can be resolved.

A Man’s Feelings Towards His Partner
Are Crucial Here!

Anger, whether expressed or unexpressed, towards his partner can be an important cause of ejaculation problems and it needs to be dealt with through individual or couples’ therapy.

Anger is a very powerful destructive force as far as the sex drive is concerned. While some men who are angry with their partner completely avoid sexual contact, others will actually attempt to have sex, only to find themselves only a little bit aroused and therefore unable to maintain an erection or ejaculate.

And it’s all very well encouraging a man to express his anger, but of course this can have a major impact on his partner, and it often produces an alteration in the relationship dynamic between the couple. And usually not for the better!

Treatment Problems: All Too Common

Don't blame her - delayed ejaculation is a couple's problem
Don’t blame her – delayed ejaculation is a couple’s problem.

It’s not unusual for a couple looking to get help for delayed ejaculation to experience the interventions of a therapist as insensitive. 

For example, many women will find treatment based on desensitization somewhat offensive because she believes that the man is essentially masturbating himself with the use of her vagina, as opposed to enjoying truly connected lovemaking.

And if a man needs sexual fantasy or pornography to arouse himself more, she can be even more turned off: even if the man may only be distracting himself from thoughts which take his focus away from sex.

Problem is, men with delayed ejaculation are often emotionally disconnected from their partners, so any therapist has a key role to play in explaining to the woman that the man may only be able to get over the problem if she allows treatment to progress in way that may not be to her taste! 

Once the basic issues have been dealt with, then relationship coaching can increase the level of connection and emotion that the man is able to express towards his partner. With the right treatment, success rates of 90 percent plus are easily achievable in treating delayed ejaculation.

I think it’s clear that the best way of treating retarded ejaculation is to deal with the  psychological and relationship aspects of the sexual dysfunction.

Video: Effects Of Pornography

But Isn’t A Man’s Inability To Climax 
A Very Strange Thing?

Well, it may seem so, but having difficulty with ejaculation during sex is not uncommon.

All kinds of theories have been put forward to explain this condition but in some ways it’s still a bit of a mystery.

You might think that a man who has trouble in this way might have a very insensitive penis, but this isn’t so. He generally has what you might call an insensitive brain. It doesn’t get aroused very easily…

The simplest cause is that some drugs stop a man ejaculating. they have an inhibitory effect on the male ejaculatory reflex mechanism, so it’s always worth checking any prescription drugs that you’re taking to see if they might be the cause of the problem. And then there are some men who can’t come because of serious pelvic or spinal injury.

BUT, that said,  we know that the majority of men who can’t “release” (i.e climax) during sex have problems doing so because of some emotional or psychological reason.

Treatment is always aimed at ensuring a man can climax normally during sex with his partner with the normal level of sexual stimulation any couple would expect to enjoy during sexual activity.

One of the positive things about delayed ejaculation is that in many cases you don’t need to explore the origin of the condition to be able to successfully treat it.

Consider this - do you need to be in control during lovemaking?
Consider this – do you need to be in control during lovemaking?

However, having said that, where a man has a high need to be in control during sex, or has a lot of resentment about the demands put on him during sexual activity with his partner, it’s helpful to have some kind of counseling or therapy.

That’s because many men who are unable to ejaculate during intercourse see themselves as the main driver of sex, the one who is totally responsible, even down to being responsible for the woman’s orgasm. And that’s a heavy burden, which can actually make things worse for the man.

So this is a key to solving the problem: many men with delayed ejaculation (unlike other sexual dysfunctions) are actually not very aroused at all, the paradox being that they often have quite hard erections which are very long-lasting.

The essence of treatment is to allow a man to feel relaxed and confident during sexual activity, and at the same time to increase his level of arousal so that he can reach orgasm and ejaculate without much difficulty.