The exercises below are specifically designed for ejaculation problems.

They are taken, with the author’s permission, from an excellent book on how to treat delayed ejaculation at home in private without professional sex therapy. You can buy the book at Amazon.co.uk or you can buy the book at Amazon.com

This series of exercises will (1) increase your comfort with sex even further, and (2) stop you responding with anxiety when your arousal decreases or when you think you might not be able to ejaculate.

At the same time, the exercises will help you to become more sensitive to your level of physical arousal. This way, you will become less sensitive to the fear of not being able to ejaculate, less anxious about penetration and sexual situations, and more aware of the physical sensations which give you pleasure during sex.

The exercises are designed in small steps; please don’t jump ahead. Take it slowly and over time you’ll find that you make big advances in your ability to stay relaxed and keep your arousal high. (If you take it too fast, you may become experience setbacks and become disappointed.)

And, by the way, if you happen to have an erection problem, you need to deal with the erection problem before you tackle your inability to ejaculate.

 Exercise 1

Learning to enjoy your partner’s touch to your penis and testicles without becoming anxious or performance oriented

Learning to accept what is offered during sex

Here is the key you need to make this work. Read this carefully and absorb it: Don’t focus on your erection or on your arousal or anything other than the sexual experience you are having.

Stop worrying about how aroused you are and start enjoying the sex. This exercise has 3 parts.

1. A) Masturbation alone

You’re used to masturbating with porn, perhaps, or with fantasies which you create in your mind. This time, however, you’re going to do it differently. You’re going to bring yourself off without any stimulation except your hand. And, while you’re doing it, you’re going to focus on your body and check out what feels good, what doesn’t feel so good, and what you might like to ask your partner to do in the future.

The first thing you need is a quiet time and space where you can relax, without being disturbed or interrupted. Lie naked on your bed in a warm room and begin to explore yourself, with lube if you prefer it, slowly and easily. This is not a test, it’s not a race to get yourself off, and it’s not a challenge or comparison with what’s happened before.

All you are doing is learning about the pleasure your body can give you. And, of course, checking out that given time and the right kind of stimulation, you will get aroused and want to ejaculate – and you can take that sensation into sex with your partner.

Try various ways of stimulating yourself, various strokes, various pressures, various movements of your hand on your penis and testicles.

At first you may find that you want to race ahead and ejaculate. Slow down! If you then find that you’re beginning to fantasize, relax, reduce your anxiety by breathing deeply, and start stimulating yourself with your hand once again.

If you find yourself fantasizing, just tell yourself that you’re there to find out how it feels when you just use your hand, and bring your attention back to what you’re feeling in your body.

You may be surprised to find that it takes you longer to get aroused than it would without any fantasy. You might find that your erection is not as full as you’d like; those things are quite natural. Don’t despair, don’t give up, and do repeat the experience twice a week.

What you’ll find as time goes by is that you come to enjoy the physical sensations more, and your arousal gets higher and more consistent.

You may need to repeat this experience a few times before you “get it”. If you have real trouble, use fantasy to get started and then as you get hard, focus on your physical sensations.

Now, here’s the crucial thing: as you get near to orgasm, stop stimulating yourself and relax until your erection has gone away almost completely.

As you wait for it to go down, relax and reduce any anxiety you feel by using the relaxation techniques we described earlier.

When your anxiety is reduced, and you’re relaxed, start masturbating again until your erection has returned. Carry on until you’re near orgasm once again, then stop and relax as before. The third time you do this, continue masturbating until you ejaculate.

The whole point of this is that you’ll see that your body will respond to what you are doing, that you do have control over your ejaculation, and you can both decrease and increase your arousal at will. These may be new sensations for you.

But what if, despite your best intentions, you become anxious? Well, relax, certainly. Also, don’t be too hard on yourself. Use fantasy if you wish to soothe yourself….

Whatever the cause of your problems, whether you are not in touch with your body, or your anxiety is too high, you can adapt the exercise by using fantasy until you are near orgasm, at which point you should focus once again on your physical sensations.

Once you have achieved some success in this process and more confidence about your control over your arousal and ejaculation, you can begin to relinquish fantasy and rely more on pleasurable physical sensations to get yourself aroused.

By now you will have some clear ideas about what kind of touch you like best, what turns you on the most, and what gives you the most physical pleasure.

1. B) Enjoying your partner’s touch without expecting to get an erection

Ask your partner to read these instructions before trying the exercise…

I once spoke with a client about touching, and in the course of our discussion he said, “I think the only time it’s natural to touch is when men and women are having sex.”

What a limited attitude! The idea that you should only touch when you are having sex is completely at odds with the way we are made, and what most of us actually want – which is frequent, reassuring touch.

This is an idea that leads to people being deprived of touch, and unfortunately it also means that we come to see touch as very sexualized.

For example, you may think that the minute a woman touches your penis, you should instantly become aroused and get an erection. The truth is that it doesn’t matter whether you do or you don’t!

Indeed, it’s important that you can be comfortable with your penis being touched by a woman without getting an erection. What’s more, even being around a naked woman should not necessarily make you spring to attention, so don’t worry if you find you haven’t got an erection when your partner walks around naked.

Start this exercise by lying on your stomach on the bed. Close your eyes and relax. Your partner will touch you all over with a patting motion to start with. Next, she will change her touch to a sensuous stroking movement.

The touch, however, is non-sexual, and the aim is not for you to become aroused!

However, if you do, it doesn’t matter, but do remember that you are trying to be fully in the moment and fully relaxed. If your anxiety begins to increase, use the relaxation techniques we described earlier, breathe out, dispel your anxiety, gently remind yourself that you are staying in the moment, and focus again on the here and now: especially what you are feeling, what she is doing to you.

Lie back and enjoy this. If you feel self-conscious about your naked penis, its size or any other aspect of its appearance, try sharing this with your partner.

That you would confide in her something so personal is a major sign of trust. As she strokes and caresses your penis, just focus on how it feels, and what you like and don’t like.

Please remember that you do not need to get an erection, and it doesn’t matter if you do or you don’t, because what you are doing here is learning to keep your anxiety under control.

1. C)  Becoming sexually aroused with your partner: there are two parts to this stage of the process

Part 1

Lie with your partner in the position we described earlier for the synchronized breathing exercise. Enjoy this process for five or ten minutes, then switch into normal foreplay.

When you’re feeling relaxed and intimate, ask your partner to start stimulating your penis sexually, with her hand, mouth or by rubbing her body against it.

You may find the touch of her vulva especially arousing, but if this makes you anxious, remember to relax and breathe until your anxiety has dissipated.

Once again, remember that your objective is to stay relaxed, present in the moment, and focus purely on what you are feeling and the pleasure it is giving you.

Try not to focus on how your erection is doing, how excited you are, what’s happening for your partner, whether or not she wants something else from you, and so on. This is just about you.

Once you are erect, relax, ask your partner to stop stimulating you, and lie with her until your erection has subsided. Then repeat the process.

Finally, after you have become erect, let her masturbate you to orgasm, or do it yourself.

If you find that you cannot relax and you become anxious, or you don’t get an erection, or your erection comes and goes a lot, go back to the earlier part of the exercise.

If that happens, it’s likely you’re worrying about sex, or what your partner wants, or something outside yourself. To repeat: this is about you and your physical pleasure, nothing more.

Once you find that your erection returns readily when your partner is sexually stimulating you, and you remain relaxed about this, move on to Part 2 below.

Part 2

This time, you do the same thing as above except that you and your partner both touch each other. It’s important for you to understand that most of your sexual arousal is not gong to come from touching your partner, or seeing her naked, pleasant though this may be!

Your arousal comes from being stimulated by her, and accepting her touch in a relaxed way without becoming anxious about your performance, or about how aroused she is, or how aroused you are, or anything else (including whether or not you can give her an orgasm!)

The distraction of being able to touch your partner may make this exercise easier for you than Part A, since you have something else to focus on besides the state of your erection and how aroused you are.

But if you become aware that you are slipping into watching and judging yourself, for example measuring how aroused you are – or judging how well you think you are arousing your partner – then, as always, relax, breathe out, come back to the present moment, and start over.

Repeat this process at least twice, and preferably three times, and then continue on to orgasm in whatever way you prefer – oral sex, masturbation, frottage – but not intercourse.

Note: if you find that you are still not getting aroused, you may have a problem with your libido (assuming that this is not a reflection of how you feel about your relationship or your partner). You may wish to look for advice on low male libido on the internet.