An Interesting Way Of Looking At Delayed Ejaculation (DE)

The simplest and most common definition of retarded ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation, as it is now more commonly known, is the inability to ejaculate during intercourse, or difficulty in doing so.

Delays in ejaculation may mean a man is slow to reach (or cannot reach) his point of no return.

Once upon a time, the treatment was to apply highly intense stimulation to the penis before intercourse, at a level which was so intense it would (hopefully) make the man ejaculate.

This does not show much interest in the reasons why a man can’t come, as you can see! 

This so-called treatment was based on the belief that once a man had overcome his inhibitions around ejaculation, and in particular once he’d managed to ejaculate inside the vagina, he’d be able to enjoy intercourse successfully in the future.

Bernard Apfelbaum

The psychotherapist and sexual therapist Bernard Apfelbaum has written a lot on this issue, and he’s also worked hard to change thinking around the cause of DE and how it needs to be treated. 

He started by asking why a man might have delayed ejaculation problems, a question considered in this book.

A Difficult Issue Like Delayed Ejaculation May Need Radical Answers

Does this man’s erection mean he is aroused – or not?
When a man is slow to ejaculate, his erection – which is usually hard and long lasting – may not represent arousal at all. It may just represent an automatic response to sexual stimulation.

Often, men with DE do not particularly enjoy intercourse, and they may even regard it with some distaste, or perhaps as a “chore” that’s necessary because the sexual partner expects it.

These are controversial suggestions, based on Bernard Apfelbaum’s view that a man with difficulty reaching orgasm during intercourse has an autosexual orientation.

In other words, Bernard Apfelbaum’s defining assumptions about this condition are based on the starting point that for a man who has difficulty ejaculating, only his own touch is capable of arousing him sexually.

Another person’s touch – could it be a turn-off?

More importantly, he may even be inhibited by the touch of another person.

And even more oddly (at first sight, anyway!) his penis may be insensitive to stimulation when he’s involved in a sexual relationship with a woman.

In Bernard Apfelbaum’s definition, this problem is regarded as a sexual desire disorder, specific to the relationship with that particular sexual partner.

This is most clear during sexual intercourse, when the man’s sexual arousal is really low – and stays that way.

This is because coitus is naturally the activity during which a man with problems in the area of ejaculation is least able to stimulate himself.

Apfelbaum sees the condition on as a spectrum of severity. At one end of the range are men who reach orgasm and ejaculate easily during self-pleasuring [masturbation], and for whom not reaching orgasm is a specific issue during intercourse.

The opposite end of the range is represented by men who have never had an orgasm of any kind under any circumstances.

Treatment Of Ejaculation Difficulty?

Apfelbaum says treatment strategies have usually been directed only at the man’s inability to reach orgasm during intercourse, which cuts out men who cannot reach orgasm under any circumstances.

He says that part of the difficulty of both defining and treating DE is accounted for by the fact that there are in fact two separate syndromes which we call delayed  ejaculation.

He observes that one type of delayed ejaculation involves a man who can reach orgasm easily and enjoys doing so during masturbation.

The other group, he suggests, is composed of men who cannot even reach orgasm during masturbation.

That leads us to a new definition – which seems to define the condition by a single factor: that only a man’s own touch is erotically arousing, and his orientation is basically “autosexual” i.e. masturbatory.

(By the way autosexuality is not an indication of homosexuality.)

Of course there are more defining factors: one is that a man will experience sexual intercourse as unpleasant or even disagreeable. This is explained in this book.

And here’s the thing: when a therapist starts from the presumption that all men will or “should” enjoy sexual intercourse, the whole course of treatment is defined too – often incorrectly. Start from a different place, and everything that follows is different too.

Can multiple female orgasms result from delayed ejaculation during long-lasting intercourse?

In general, one oddity of delayed ejaculation is that the partners of men with this dysfunction are indeed often multi-orgasmic.

They often respond with multiple orgasms to the sexual stimulation they are receiving during intercourse, despite the fact that these women may feel rejected and frustrated during intercourse.

This is often due to the fact that a man with this condition can sustain a hard erection which can give his partner a lot of physical stimulation.

And that’s true even when psychological or emotional stimulation is missing. In Bernard Apfelbaum’s words, he is the “workhorse” of sexual relationships. And he resents it.

Finally, Apfelbaum observes that many men with anorgasmia have a kind of compulsion to please their partner sexually, and that this compulsion creates both resentment and (sometimes) pleasure for the man as he unconsciously withholds his orgasm from his sexual partner.

But of course, you have to be careful here (especially if you’re a therapist), because saying that a man experiences sex as “a continuous demand for performance” is something you can never prove.

Bernard Apfelbaum and The Theory Of Autosexuality

“Apfelbaum is not only a creative theorist in the field of sex therapy; he is an innovator in the practice of sex therapy.” From Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy (2nd Ed), S. R. Lieblum & L.A. Pervin (Eds), Guilford Press: NY, 1989.

Masturbation Technique Can Cause Ejaculation Problems

A lot of men develop unusual masturbation styles – ways of self-pleasuring that use a lot of friction and pressure.

And lying prone on the bed thrusting against the mattress is a prime example of this.

As a result, they effectively train their bodies to reach orgasm through masturbation with hard stimulation, with a much higher level of stimulation you can get from sex with partner.

End result: insufficient arousal to reach orgasm and ejaculate.

Video: delayed ejaculation & masturbation